I recently had the good luck to be called into service as a postpartum doula for a dear family member. One might think helping someone you’ve known for over 20 years would be a breeze after helping dozens of families where I jump in after meeting them for an hour.  But paid postpartum doula work and unpaid family help can be different in key ways. I thought it might be useful to provide a series of articles with tips should you find yourself in a similar position. This series will leave you feeling a little more confident in bringing their household order, calm, sleep, and food.

NOTE: a huge part of bringing calm is completing tasks WITHOUT bothering the new parents. When at all possible, avoid calling, texting, peeking your head in to ask “where’s your vacuum?” or “do you have any garlic powder?” or “should I throw out these moldy strawberries?” Unless you’re dealing with a 10,000 square-foot house, you can probably locate the vacuum cleaner in under 5 minutes. And if you ARE in a giant house, you can just ask the butler where the vacuum is. Likewise, I’ve never had someone yell at me because I threw away their half-eaten 4-day-old cheeseburger. When in doubt, throw it out.

As far as WHEN to complete tasks, think like a maid at Downton Abbey: change sheets when mom gets up to take a bath or shower (but wait to start the washer until they get OUT of the shower!); if they leave the house for an appointment or a walk around the block, use that time to run the vacuum; if you’re doing it right, they should feel like invisible cleaning fairies have broken into their home.

Step 1: Environment. Do a quick survey of what needs to get done, and without bothering the parent(s) OR excessive snooping, assess the cleaning supplies. If you need to buy a few things, take note of the types of supplies they DO have, and try to keep your purchases in line with theirs. For example, if their current supplies all have labels like “all natural” and “no harsh chemicals!”, maybe steer clear of the Clorox. If everything under their sink “kills 99.9999% of germs” and smells like a swimming pool, perhaps don’t get them a gallon of vinegar and your favorite essential oils.

If you have no idea where to start your tidying, focus on the kitchen, the bathroom, and their bedroom.

Kitchen tasks:

• Load dishwasher and/or wash and put away dishes: if you’re not sure whether something should go in the dishwasher, err on the side of hand washing things like nice glassware, knives, wooden dishes, and pots and pans. (Unless you know for a fact that they put EVERYTHING in the dishwasher). If you’re not sure where a particular dish is stored, do a quick (quiet!) survey of all of the cupboards and drawers in the kitchen, plus any adjoining pantry/mudroom/dining spaces. If you still don’t see an obvious space, leave a small stack on the counter and ask the next time they happen to be in the kitchen with you.
• Wipe down the sink and countertops
• Clean out the fridge: check expiration dates and toss anything past its prime. If they’ve been in the hospital a few days, any leftovers can also be tossed. Wilty or moldy produce can go as well. If shelves and drawers could use a wipe, go for it.
• Neatly stack up any mail or other paperwork
• Sweep the floor. If you have time, give it a wash or, at the very least, do a little spot cleaning of sticky spots or noticeable grime
• Take out the trash and recycling

Bathroom tasks:

• Wipe down sinks, counters, and mirrors

• If you’re feeling generous, clean the toilet
• Sweep and/or mop the floor

• Wipe down shelves in the tub/shower and glass shower doors
• Take out the trash

Bedroom tasks:

• Tidy bedside tables: remove drink glasses and dishes, toss tissues, stack books/magazines/other papers
• Strip bed, wash sheets, remake bed
• Wipe down surfaces
• (you may want to ask the parents first on this one) wash other laundry, put away clothes

Other tasks:

• Tidy/dust other surfaces
• Sweep or vacuum other floors
• Clean glass on front and back doors
• Make sure there’s a landing spot in the main area of the house for the person who just gave birth: a comfy seat, a clean surface nearby for water, snacks, book, phone, tv remote, etc. You might even put together a small basket with ready-to-eat snacks and bottles of water

I realize some of you may have relatives whose houses are already spotless (or that appear spotless to your untrained/slovenly eye). If this is the case, perhaps sit down with the parent(s) each morning for a quick rundown. Ask questions like:

• What would you LOVE to have done today?
• What spots in the house are most important to you to keep clean and tidy?
• What does a clean kitchen look like to you? (For example, I might consider it clean if the counter is clear; your most fastidious sister might only consider it clean if every dish is washed and put back in the cupboard immediately)

No matter their answers, or their comments on the job you’re doing, keep channeling that Downton Abbey maid! Neutral expressions and calm words are even more important than whether you managed to capture that stray dust bunny under the coffee table. If you’ve actually come to help, help to THEIR standards, not yours.