*Note: your definition of “helpful” may vary

New parents are magnets for unsolicited advice. As soon as I was visibly pregnant, I got nuggets of wisdom from relatives, friends, neighbors, waitresses, and one grocery store checkout lady, who grabbed my arm, looked straight in my eyes and implored, “NEVER give in to tantrums.” Listed below are some strategies to deal with this influx of “help” that will occur once word gets out that you are new parents. Note that you may wish to vary your response based on your relationship with the advice-giver, how often you have to see this person, how much you WANT to see this person in the future, and how able you are in the moment to see that most people really do believe they’re being helpful, however unsolicited and misguided it may be.

1. “That’s an interesting idea! Why do you say that?”
2. “That’s weird. My doctor said the exact opposite. But what do THEY know, amiright?”
3. Start an application process. Have cards made up with a link to your online application, and the following: “Thank you for your advice! To better help us make decisions about the care and keeping of baby Frilliana, please follow this link to start your application for a slot on “The List of People Sarah and Jeff will go to for parenting expertise”. Prepare a list of any applicable training, education, and personal experience. If you have published papers on any particular parenting topic, provide links to or hard copies of said research. After all the necessary paperwork has been submitted, we will let you know whether your application has been approved.”
4. “I also read that article that said babies should sleep 14 hours in a row, but I showed it to baby Frilliana, and she disagreed.” (shrug)
5. “Man, ever since the baby was born, all anyone talks to me about is the baby! I’d love to talk about something else for awhile. Tell me all about your trip to Bora Bora/Costco/the podiatrist!”
6. “Yes, it’s true that good babies take long naps/don’t spit up/never drool/potty train at 18 months. We got a dud, but didn’t realize it until after the hospital’s return policy had expired.”
7. “Gertrude, when you said ‘that baby is never going to learn to walk if you carry her everywhere’, what I heard was, ‘I don’t think you know what you’re doing and you’re a bad mom’. Is that what you meant to say, Gertrude? IS IT??”
8. Drop a stack of books in their lap: “Finally! You really seem to have an interest in the area of infant sleep. Could you read these 7 books and get back to me on what I should do? Also, if you could provide some commentary on why they all say something different, that’d be great.”
9. “I used to think babies should be started on steak at 3 months, too. But I just read some new research that found that waiting a little later means they can have A-1 to dip it in, resulting in a better first-steak experience.”
10. “Mom, you clearly know what you’re doing in the parenting department: I mean, look at how amazing I turned out. Your work is done here. And because you did such a good job on me, now I can parent MY kids and you can graduate to Best Grandma Ever.”