As I type this, my older two children (ages 8 and 10) are at a park near our house having a picnic with three of their friends. And no adults. I try not to look out the window too much to see if I can see them coming back yet, but as a modern parent it seems worry is inescapable. What if something happens? (generic worry) What if someone snatches them? (less likely to happen than when I was a kid) They didn’t bring any mittens; what if the little darlings get too cold? (perhaps they would, I don’t know, come inside?)

Most parenting books today feed that pervasive fear rather than relieve it. You must do everything JUST RIGHT with children or you will ruin them forever. It’s a lot of work, and you’re going to need a lot of experts telling you what to do. It would be crazy to rely on your own instincts. And, of course, you can’t trust other parents you know and admire, and especially not your OWN parents. Sure, you’re pretty fantastic, but think of how great you would’ve turned out if your parents actually knew what they were doing!

The books below suggest that, maybe, parenting isn’t that hard. (Sidebar: ‘parenting’ as a verb didn’t even come into common use until the early 1970s; before then, most people didn’t think of it as something you DID, especially not all day long.) Maybe we all need to calm down. Here’s where to start:

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#1. Expecting Better: Why the Conventional Pregnancy Wisdom is Wrong — and What You Really Need to Know by Emily Oster

I recently reviewed this book after an excerpt caught my attention in The Atlantic. It covers most of the possible things pregnant women typically freak out about (caffeine, alcohol, tobacco, deli meats, litter boxes, medications), and then shows you the research to decide whether you should freak out or not (tobacco – yes; everything else – probably not). It’s sort of the opposite of What to Expect When You’re Expecting (or as I like to call it, “What Could Go Wrong This Month?”). WTEWYE provides the bare minimum of information and lots of “just do whatever your doctor says”. They also provide such inane advice as “Each bite during the day is an opportunity to feed that growing baby of yours healthy nutrients.” (To paraphrase the author of book #3, non-pregnant people who think about the consequences of each bite of food they consume generally have an eating disorder.)

#2. Baby-led Weaning: Helping Your Baby to Love Good Food by Gill Rapley

I include this book because it returns some common sense to the topic of babies and foods. Before “experts” got involved, many parents in many cultures would simply have baby on their lap during meals (high chairs didn’t exist until the early 19th century). Then, when baby would start to reach for the parent’s food during a meal, the parent would let the baby try a little bite. Guess what? You can still do that today with your baby! No rice cereal, no messy purees, no making your own baby food, no list of foods for each month of age. Just wait until about the middle of baby’s first year, and wait for signs he might be ready: sitting up on his own, maybe getting a few teeth, and being able to pick up food, put it in his mouth, chew and swallow. Obviously, you may need to be more careful if there are allergies in your family. There are also foods that you should totally avoid in the first year, but most parents don’t need an expert to tell them not to feed their eight-month-old nuts and popcorn.

#3. Free-Range Kids: How to Raise Safe, Self-Reliant Children (Without Going Nuts with Worry) by Lenore Skenazy

This book is the antidote to the pervasive idea that “You can never be too careful!” when it comes to your children. It turns out you CAN be too careful: when you shelter your kids unnecessarily, they will grow up without a sense of their own competence, and with a feeling that the world is too dangerous and difficult for them. When they get to college, administrators call them “teacups”, because they’re so fragile that the tiniest bump will break them. Oh, and by the way, the world ISN’T more dangerous than when you were a kid; by almost all measures, kids are about as safe today as they were in the 1950s. With that in mind, spend your time doing things that might actually protect your children: buckle them in carseats that are installed correctly with straps that are tight enough, teach them to swim, and change the batteries in your smoke detectors. Then, stop worrying about everything else and send them outside to play.

#4. The Idle Parent: Why Laid-back Parents Raise Happier and Healthier Kids by Tom Hodgkinson

This is another must-read for parents who would like to raise self-sufficient children. In fact, he believes children should be self-sufficient as soon as possible to leave parents more time to read books, drink wine, and take naps. Oh, and also your kids will be happier and healthier – it says so right there in the title! His tips include:

• a list of games you can play with your children while lying on the couch
• how to maximize sleep
• how and why to minimize screens in your house (of course, the author of #7 says the exact opposite -he says go ahead and let the kids watch tv without guilt)
• books and poetry to read to your children that are not useless twaddle
• why having fewer toys is better for children
• why you should leave your kids alone

#5. Free to Learn: Why Unleashing the Instinct to Play Will Make Our Children Happier, More Self-Reliant, and Better Students for Life by Peter Gray

If you are prone to freaking out about education, try this book. Lots of experts bemoan the fact that children don’t have enough free time to play, but parents continue to schedule the heck out of their children’s days, believing more school and more organized activities will lead to greater success in life. This book will give you some concrete examples of what, exactly, children are learning when they play. Or, to put it another way, what they may be missing out on if they spend all their time being schooled, being strapped into a carseat, participating in organized activities, and watching various screens. According to the author, some of the big lessons children learn from play are self-control, negotiation skills, how to compromise, how to stand up for yourself, imagination, creativity, empathy, emotion regulation, and problem-solving.

You may find his ideas about democratic schools and unschooling a step or five too far, but consider the point made by this article: “I’m just glad they’re there, because their mere existence can provide a little perspective as we have our tunnel-visioned debates about what we “need” to do in our schools. Once you’ve spent some time reading about Sudbury school graduates — or people who were homeschooled — it’s hard to feel quite the same panic over the prospect that little Zachary will end up in the gutter if we don’t do something about his sub-median score on the phonemic awareness component of his latest assessment test. “

#6. All Joy and No Fun: The Paradox of Modern Parenthood by Jennifer Senior

No other book that I’ve read does a better job of explaining exactly what it’s like to be a parent today. Senior captures the struggle, the exhaustion, the worry, the joy, and the rewards. She reminds parents that they are not alone, that families across the country are having many of the same experiences:

• the new mother’s shock from her loss of autonomy
• the couple’s negotiation and renegotiation about who should do what
• the fretting about which sports and classes and activities to enroll their children in and then how to handle the resulting schedule (or, in many cases, over-schedule)
• the parental symptoms of having an adolescent child in the house (rejection, low self-worth, headaches, insomnia, stomachaches, and a general decline in mental health)
• the joy in seeing your child accomplish a difficult task for the first time
• the feeling of “mono no aware“, a phrase that means “bittersweetness inherent in ephemeral beauty”
• how children change our sense of purpose

This book will snap you out of your focus on the day-to-day tasks of parenthood and get you to think about the big picture. Just read it.